Chapter 10

“Jerry! Over here!” shouted Spiderman as he waved his arms in the air. Jerry Seinfeld turned around and a smile came to his face as he recognized his friends.
“Hey!” he shouted as he started to walk over. “Spiderman, Wolverine! What’s up, dudes? How’s it hangin’?”
“Long, shriveled, and slightly to the left!” replied Wolverine, which elicited a healthy guffaw from Jerry.
“I’d better watch out, or this guy’s gonna take my job from me! Am I right?” he asked. “Well, anyway…what’s new, fellas?”
“Oh, nothing much,” said Spiderman, “We spent the afternoon at Nordstrom getting soused and sexually harassing every woman in sight. Then we got into a heated argument and Wolverine slapped me.”
“Did not!” yelped Wolverine.
“Oh, c'mon, I’m just kidding, mostly, although I actually couldn't remember exactly if you had or not. Well, after that, we, uh…just dropped off some stuff at Goodwill and then we had lunch at Baja Fresh. How about yourself, J-Man, what's your day consisted of?”
“Oh, like I said, I’ve just been working on the new stand-up routine.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot! Hey, Wolverine, you’ve just gotta hear some of this guy’s stuff, it’s really fresh. Think you could roll off another bit for us?”
“Why, certainly!” said Jerry Seinfeld in a slightly goofy voice, “Ahem. Hey folks, now could you tell me just what, is the deal with black people? The other night I woke up to get a glass of water, and as I was going downstairs I noticed a foul smell in the air. I stopped, sniffing around and trying to determine the source of the odor. Just then, a large black male jumped down from the ceiling and tackled me to the ground. I was like, ‘Chill out, brother!’ and he was like ‘Shuttup cracka! You's gonna be tellin' me where da white women at and then I's jes’ might be lettin' you leeuve.’ I was totally freaking, but hey, I’m still Jerry Seinfeld so I sassed him out. ‘Why are you people always in my house at night looking for the white women? Read my lips, there are...no...white women! Except for my wife, but she's asleep, and I'm not going to wake her up unless I want to get my head bitten off in a bitchy way! If you want white women, maybe you should go to the Bon Marche!’ to which the negro replied, ‘You people? You people?!?! Cracka, I am this close to going apeshit on a mothafucka, so you bes’ jiz shut yo mouth right up, sucka!’ to which, boy he smelled bad, I replied, “Hey, that kind of rhymes…let me lay down a beat on that shit. A-boom, ch, a-boom boom a-ch, erwra erwra brbrbrbrb twixxxxxx.’ At that point, the black guy stabbed me in the face and stole my wife. Just what, is up, with that?”
An awkward pause followed Jerry’s last line.
“Jerry, that wasn’t funny,” said Spiderman and Wolverine in unison. “Jinx! Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetengimmeablowjob!”
“Seriously, though,” said Spiderman, “That’s not cool, man. Out friend Nigger Jim is black, and the only thing he ever stole was the hearts of the American public. Oh, okay, there was that time he took my TV, but that was an accident.”
“Yeah dude,” added Wolverine, “I find your portrayal of black people in that story to be crude and outdated. You’re really only reinforcing the very stereotypes about black people that keep them stuck in the ghetto.”
“Jeez, guys…” sobbed Jerry, “I didn’t realize that my bit was so offensive. I guess you’re right: not all black people are smelly, rapist thieves. I see that now. Thank you.”
“Well, as long as you’ve learned your lesson, I think this was a good conversation. We cool?” asked Spiderman.
“Yeah…we cool,” sighed Jerry, a small smile peeking out of his mouth. “So, are you guys down for a stroll around the park?”
“Shits yeah, bub!” said Wolverine. “Here, let’s walk to the duck pond.” The three men high-fived each other a few times in agreement and went casually skipping along the path to the aquatic domain of the waterfowl.
“Whoa, hold up guys, I need to take a break,” wheezed Jerry Seinfeld after a couple of minutes of skipping, “I guess all of that sitting around the house and eating pizza really caught up with me!”
“Alright,” said Spiderman, “Let’s take five, there’s always more time for skipping.”
“Hey,” purred Wolverine, “Look over there at that beggar. Does he look familiar to you?”
“Hmmm…” squealed Spiderman, “…no, it couldn’t be.”
“Should we go se if it’s really him?” yowled Wolverine.
“Hmmm…I guess.” They all walked over to the beggar, whose head was hanging down, partially because of a shame-filled life of hardship, partially because he just had really bad posture.
“M-Michael? Michael Jordan?” stammered Spiderman.
“Who’s asking?” growled the tramp.
“It’s me...your…your friendly, neighborhood Spiderman. I saved your life, remember?”
“Bah! That was a long time ago, I don’t know you anymore, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t like you.”
“How could this happen?” asked Wolverine, “We just saw you at the…well, you know…hypothetically, that was about an hour ago!”
“Well…” huffed Michael Jordan, “It’s been a really long hour…ya know?”
“But…how could you have grown a big, scraggly beard in just an hour?” asked Spiderman.
“Oh this thing? It’s a stick-on. Thought it’d make me look cool.”
“Well it does, but that’s not the point. Why are you out here Michael? Shouldn’t you be at your mansion or in a strip club or something?” questioned Spiderman.
“Bah! I’ve got everything I need right here…got my thermos…got my socks with the holes in ‘em…got my book on dinosaurs…yep, I reckon my life is going pretty good, all things considered.”
“If I might interject something here,” interjected Jerry, “I’d like to say that it’s ironic that you used to be a dirty basketball player, but now…but now you smell like poop.” Even the down-on-his-luck Michael Jordan had to laugh at that one.
“Well…” said Wolverine, “Michael, we’ve gotta get back to skipping to the duck pond…I hope things turn out alright for ya, dude.”
“Bah! Thanks, I guess,” grumbled Michael Jordan. “Say, fellas, I hate to ask, but…spare some change?”
“Sorry, not today, my friend...not today,” replied Spiderman. With that, he kicked Michael Jordan really hard in the stomach and the three friends continued merrily on their merry way.