Chapter 4

“Do you think you could turn around for a minute?” asked Wolverine, his voice reverberating in the bleak changing room.
“Oh, whatever, are you shy? Don’t be such a fag,” quipped Spiderman. Wolverine hesitantly dropped his previously-stained pants and rapidly slipped into the expensive jeans he had grabbed.
“Hmm…they’re a little tight, and there’s kind of this bubble where the ass should be…” said Wolverine.
“Well what did you expect?” replied Spiderman, “They are meant for a woman.”
“Yeah…I guess,” sighed Wolverine. “Well shit, while we’re here and I'm wearing these women's jeans, I have a devilish idea…let’s get drunk!”
“Sayyy what?” gasped Spiderman.
“I was able to sneak in a large amount of hard A, so we might as well get fucked up while we look for those Arabs.”
“Oh, snap…pour me up a cup, bartender!”
The superheroes spent the next 15 minutes guzzling down heroic amounts of booze, and when they finally emerged from the dressing room they were feelin’ no pain.
The first thing they saw as they reentered the main clothing display section was a bunch of women in their mid-30’s browsing through some colorful blouses. Wolverine immediately ran up to them and began to shout,
“Hey! Hey ladies! Hey ladies, I’ve got a song for you…and it goes a little somethin’ like this…JEREMIAH WAS A BLOWJOB! Whooooa! Haha. Peace out, sluts!” Wolverine then ran back over to Spiderman, still giggling.
“Dude…that was awesome!” yelled Spiderman, to which Wolverine replied,
“Dude…I know!” They then proceeded to run around Nordstrom a bunch. The two actually ran past several Arabs but they were too drunk to notice.
Besides their missed opportunities to investigate Nigger Jim’s hot tip, things were going great for the two manly men...that is, until Wolverine from the X-Men made this unfortunate comment:
“Spiderman, why do you always have to be so dramatic?”
“What? How am I dramatic, dude? What do you mean?”
“Well, I don’t know, I can’t really think of any examples of it right now but it just always seems like you have to be, like, suuuper dramatic about everything.”
“I don’t really think…it’s really that, that I’m dramatic so much, I just don’t think you understand how I interact with people when I’m around them.”
“Well, okay, I just mean, you are always, okay, you always have this thing that you do when somebody is talking about something. It’s like, you are just taking what they say and then making into something that’s way more dramatic than it actually is.”
“No, no. No. I feel like I kinda know what you’re saying, I guess, but it’s just like sometimes I have to be more realistic about something because people just always try to live like they don’t know what’s going on even if they really do or not.”
“But, I dunno, it’s not even that, it’s just like –“
“Like I want to stir something up or something like that?”
“Okay, yeah, okay, kind of, but I mean, okay, and, but let me finish. I mean, okay, you are Spiderman, and crazy stuff will just happen to you even if you aren’t trying. Okay - and so promise you will let me finish saying this, because I really think you will get this when I say this like this - I just think that sometimes it’s like…it’s almost like you need everything to be exciting all the time and you will just…take a conversation and try to make it something that it isn’t.”
“In what way?”
“Well, I guess it's like, if somebody told a joke, you would go and take the joke and take, uh, the punchline and talk about something that’s not the joke.”
“I just-“
“Well – okay, sorry, no, you go ahead here.”
“Okay, well I just feel like you - you are now the one who is being dramatic cause I don’t even feel like this is really a real problem, because it’s like I’m trying to listen to you on this, basically, but it’s like...well, okay, so, first of all I’m pretty drunk, so this is hard to talk about like this at this point, and second of all, I’m seriously not that dramatic.”
“Okay, I know you’re drunk, I am too, but this is something I’ve noticed and I’m just being honest with you now but I don’t think that means it’s not a real thing.”
“I’m not saying it’s not something to talk about, but it’s just not a huge thing in my personality like, it's just like...you are making me out to be some kind of jerk a little bit when I’m not. Okay, and like I said, it’s not like this whole thing isn't more dramatic than anything I do.”
“Yeah, okay, yeah, I know I am being kind of, a little bit, a hypocritical person right now, and I know that, but I am seriously not trying to make this into a huge deal. And I definitely never said you were a jerk before, I promise.”
“I know, and I am saying that I know that you didn't say that at all, that I was a jerk, because I remember it all what you said, but I just feel - and you should listen to this cause I’ve been listening to how you feel and so you should please listen to what I have to say, openly for just one minute - I just kind of feel like you want me to feel like a jerk or something, basically.”
“Well, honestly, man, I promise, seriously, cross my heart and hope to die, that I am not trying to make you feel like anything; I basically really just wanted to talk to you about this being dramatic thing and I thought it might be a chill time to talk about it now so that's why I brought it up right now.”
"Well, okay, it’s okay, obviously I’m talking about it, but it’s kind of frustrating cause I'd say this is seriously something I’ve never really noticed about myself and I’m usually pretty good at realizing stuff about myself most of the time, I feel like, so when you say this thing about me that I have really never noticed, and, I guess I just might not, just in this situation, understand or notice it right away, even now when you are pointing it out and I think I am good at that usually.”
“Yeah, that’s true, Spiderman, you are usually in most cases, I guess, okay, but okay, this is just a little thing that you do only occasionally mostly and I just wanted to talk to you about it. And of course I'm completely sorry if you felt like I was trying to say you were a jerk at all in any way, because I definitely wasn't at all; I promise.”
“Well, okay, well, jeez, if it’s just a small thing then why are we having this big thing about it? I mean, okay, okay, I don’t want to sound pissed-off, even though obviously I am a little bit, but there’s also things that you do, of course, that are kind of weird sometimes, but I don’t start huge conversations like we are doing about this right now about them.”
“Okay, well yes, yes you do kind of, seriously. I mean, okay, it’s really not that often, but sometimes you really rip into me big time about some stuff, I feel like, bub.”
“Okay, well, it just happens. I mean, look at you: you have big goofy hair and Adamantium claws and an Adamantium-infused skeleton. Am I supposed to just always constantly ignore that stuff? And I'm really not saying that now in a way that's to come back at you about it or anything, but what do you think I think about when you say that to me?”
“Okay, I know, I know, and it’s partly my fault cause it's true that even if I get offended, even then I will just laugh about it and make it into a joke, but even though I am really burly, I am definitely a lot more sensitive than I let on sometimes, which of course you know because we've known each other for a long time and you've seen how I act, but I don't like even having to do that, to feel like that, obviously, of course, or to have you know it but not to do anything about it when that happens just because I don't say anything about it.”
“Well, okay, then you should just remember this, then, and really say something then next time.”
“Okay, I know, but that’s what I am doing now.”
“Okay, I am just saying, Wolverine, that next time you see that there’s something like that that you should try to just let me know honestly, okay? And for me, I will do the same thing and I also definitely promise I will try and not be too dramatic and I will try to make an effort on that even though I know I said I don’t think that’s a big thing for me, but I really promise to think about it, okay?”
“Yeah, well, cool, thanks for hearing me out about this, okay? I guess that I’m glad that we both basically learned something to use about this in the future and could talk about it like this, because I feel like we did talk about it in a good way overall.”
“Okay, just, cool, just next time, bring this up when I am not drunk, okay? Ha-ha!”
“Yeah, okay. Well, cool, okay, dude, I agree. Let’s just get outta here; all this pretty-smelling stuff is giving me a headache.”
“Okay.”