Chapter 7

The two competing basketball teams lined up on opposite sides of the half-court line, the very heart of the Rose Garden. On one side, of course, stood the Portland Trailblazers in all their glory, led by the imposing figure of Manute Bol. The yin to the Trailblazers' yang was Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons, a ragtag gang of goofy animated characters and one living, breathing Michael Jordan. The Loony Toons had chosen Tweety Bird to participate in the tip-off, due to his infinite vertical leap.
Never more squared-off, both teams aggressively stared each other down, neither showing a single sign of weakness. A burning passion seemed to radiate forth from the eyeballs of the competitors. The head referee, Bill Clinton, walked out in between the two teams and laid down the rules.
“Alright, gentleman, I want a clean basketball game. No hitting below the belt, and none of that crap where you bounce the ball off of somebody’s leg and make it go out of bounds. Oh and by the way, I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Yarrrrrrr har har…play ball!” And with that, Bill Clinton blew out a chirp on his official ref’s whistle and threw the basketball up in the air up there between Manute Bol and Tweety. Tweety Bird flapped up valiantly, but alas, he was no match for the ultimate lank of Manute, who used his incredible arms to knock the ball back to Dirk Nowitzki. Nowitzki’s face lit up with a smile that made his beard look 10 miles wide and he proceeded to casually dribble the ball across the half-court line. Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons took defensive positions as Dirk put his fist in the air as a joking gesture of solidarity with the “black power” movement. He was being covered like a sheet by Elmer Fudd, who wanted to put the pressure on early.
“You suck,” whispered Fudd to Dirk “The Great White Shark” Nowitzki. Nowitzki’s smile twisted into a much more serious expression; it was time to get down to business.
“Elmer Fudd? More like Elmer Food…shark food, that is! Rawr!” snarled Dirk, as he continued to dribble the basketball like a pro.
“Aw'll kill you, muddafucka!” shouted Elmer Fudd explicitly as he lunged for the ball, but Dirk was too quick. He knew that he had Elmer just where he wanted him, and swooped right around the tiny little man. He had a clear route to the hoop, and everybody watching Nowitzki’s smooth moves was thinking the exact same thing at that moment: he’s gonna slam dunk.
Dirk charged toward the hoop, his every stride taking up, like, two meters of ground-length. As he ran forward, the crowd began to rise to its feet, watching as Dirk remained unopposed in his path to the basket. Nobody could have anticipated what happened next.
As Dirk Nowitzki neared the hoop, he jumped several inches up off the ground, his forward momentum bringing him ever closer to those sweet, sweet 2 points. But then, as if he had been planning it the whole time, Dirk suddenly threw the basketball backwards between his legs with a mighty heave. The ball proceeded to bounce in a huge, dramatic arc in the exact opposite direction of the hoop.
It seems nobody had noticed Manute Bol standing just in front of the half-court line. The ball concluded its formidable bounce by landing right in his gigantic hands.
“Manuuuuuute Boooool!” sang Manute Bol as he went up for the nearly-half-court jump-shot. The ball floated gracefully towards that beautiful hoop, seemingly in slow-motion. Nothin’ but net.
The Trailblazers fans went fucking nuts, once again shouting “Bol! Bol! Bol! Bol!” to which Manute Bol responded, of course, by waving at them, a gesture which elicited yet more frantic cheering from the crowd. The Trailblazers were up 3-0, and this was only the beginning of the first quarter.
The Trailblazers vs. Michael Jordan and the Loony Tunes game continued on to become the most interesting basketball match-up ever to take place in the Rose Garden. Unfortunately, describing all of the events in this game would require a novel in and of itself. Therefore, it is necessary, for the sake of brevity, to break the match down into a few key highlights, presented here chronological order:
1st Quarter, 6 minutes in - Marvin the Martian is substituted into the game, but a few seconds later he whips out a wacky laser pistol and shoots Dirk Nowitzki. Nowitzki is instantly destroyed, leaving only a thin column of burnt carbon and pair of large, blinking eyeballs. What’s left of Dirk comically crumbles into a pile of soot and eyes, forcing the refs to stop the game and sweep up the mess with a brush and dustpan. Marvin the Martian receives a technical foul, and a stern chorus of jeers from the crowd.
1st Quarter, 11 minutes in - Tweety Bird somehow gets trapped inside of Clyde Drexler’s goggles and there is a moment of panic as Clyde flails around wildly, accidentally knocking over Manute Bol, who shatters into a million pieces. The refs are forced to stop the game and sweep up the mess with a brush and a dustpan.
2nd Quarter, 3 minutes in - Sylvester tries to eat Tweety, but disaster is averted as a quick-thinking Michael Jordan clamps his left hand around Sylvester’s neck while using the right to reach down the cat’s throat and pull the shaken bird out unharmed.
2nd Quarter, 7 minutes in - Charles Barkley and Porky Pig get into a heated verbal argument after Sir Charles knocks Porky down on a drive to the hoop. Cooler heads prevail when Clyde Drexler steps in between the two and calms down his teammate.
2nd Quarter, 9 minutes in - Muggsy Bogues slam dunks.
Halftime – During halftime there was scheduled to be a three-song performance by the one and only Dr. Dre who isn’t the Dr. Dre from Yo! MTV Raps, but halfway into the first song things go awry. As Dre nears the end of the first verse of “What’s The Difference,” he is suddenly knocked on his ass by the roadrunner blowing past him. He starts to get to his feet, exclaiming “What the fuck was that? My butt hurts!” but before he has a chance to regain his composure, Wile E. Coyote comes along, taking up the rear in a goofy rocket-propelled car. Wile E. slams into Dre, killing them both in a large explosion.
3rd Quarter, 1 minute in - Taz punctures the game ball with his teeth and causes it to deflate, for which he receives a technical foul. He responds by flying into a rage and violently devouring assistant referee James Brown. The Godfather of Soul’s last words? “I feel bad.”
3rd Quarter, 9 minutes in - Bugs Bunny mistakes the basketball for a carrot and eats it. The ball is trapped inside his stomach until Michael Jordan punches him in the gut really hard and the ball shoots out and hits Clyde Drexler right in the ol’ goggles. “Thank god I had these babies on!” is Clyde’s comment as he taps on his protective eyewear.
4th Quarter, 7 minutes in - Charles Barkley shoots a 3-point shot, but halfway to the hoop, Captain Planet breaks through the floor and blocks the shot and then says “The power…is yours!” He procedes to dive back into the ground, and the refs are forced to stop the game to try and put the floor back together. When they are unsuccessful, they are resume play, telling the players to “just go around that spot.”
As the 4th quarter began to draw to a close, the Trailblazers were down 97-90. The all-human basketball powerhouse made up part of the gap when Bugs Bunny fouled Clyde Drexler on a 3-point shot. This, of course, allowed him three free-throw attempts, of which he made two. Yay! Down by 5 with only 23 seconds left on the clock, the Trailblazers needed to score and they need to score big…big time. Luckily, as they gathered to devise a plan of attack during their last timeout, the ghost of Reggie Miller descended from the scoreboard and joined the huddle. “Guys, I know what to do, give me the ball,” he moaned. Well, you certainly don’t argue with the ghost of Reggie Miller, God rest his soul.
As the timeout Drew to a close, Charles Barkley stood on the sideline and prepared to inbound the ball. The Looney Toons were stern-faced with determination; they weren’t about to let the T-Blazers steal away their win. Well, technically, I guess they were. At the sound of the referee’s whistle all of the players started shuffling around in a manner beneficial to their own team. Charles easily singled out Reggie because of his milky aura and halo, and when he saw an opening he whipped the ball to the big-ballin’ apparition.
Luckily, Reggie wasn’t one of those ghosts where everything goes through him, because otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to catch the ball, which he did. He proceeded to shake his defender, Tweety Bird, with a quick stutter-step, giving him the perfect opportunity for a 3-point attempt. Reggie’s spirit levitated off of the ground about 19 inches and let loose with a signature Mill-Dub rainbow shot. Nothin’ but net.
At this point, the T-Blazers were within two points of Michael Jordan and the Loony Toons, but there were only 6.9 seconds left on the clock. The ragtag gang of black people that made up Portland’s world-famous professional basketball team began to almost imperceptibly hang their heads as defeat seemed imminent. A smiling Bugs Bunny stood under the Trailblazers’ hoop, ready to inbound the ball to Michael Jordan and run out the clock. As he had done several times before throughout the course of the game, Bill Clinton blew his whistle and play resumed. Bugs tossed the ball in to Michael Jordan, who turned around, ready to dribble out the last few moments on the game clock. What he didn’t expect was to see the ghost of Reggie Miller standing right in front of him.
Now, to this very day, nobody knows why Michael Jordan hadn’t noticed before that the ghost of Reggie Miller was at the Rose Garden and playing in the game. Some say that his view of the specter was somehow obscured during those few short moments while Reggie’s ghost was on the court. Others will tell you that he was just blind, stinking drunk. Yet others will tell you that Reggie Miller's ghost is the kind that can control to whom he is visible, and he only made his presence known to Michael Jordan at that very moment. In the end, it doesn’t even matter. What does matter is that Michael’s momentary bestartlement at seeing the deceased former Pacer gave Reggie’s ghost the opportunity he needed to steal the ball away. Reggie slapped the orange-with-black-lines globe out of Michael’s grubby meat-hooks and quickly dribbled it outside of the 3-point line. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind when Reggie’s ghost went up for that shot that he would hit his mark.
That's why it was a really a surprise to everyone when the ball actually jammed itself into the angle between the rim and the backboard, making a squeaky, farting, thumping noise as it did so. Several women in the crowd of spectators fainted.
The referees had to stop the game to figure out what to do. After nearly 10 minutes of discussion, Bill Clinton approached the Trailblazers bench with their decision on what later became known as “The Pass”.
“Well, isn’t this a dilly of a pickle?” he queried, to which the Trailblazers nodded their heads. “Before I tell you our official ruling, I’d like to note that no matter how you slice it, this is pretty cool. Anyway, we have decided…that everyone gets to throw non-stuck basketballs at the stuck basketball, and if it falls into the hoop, you get those three points and win the game. If not, eenht.” All agreed that it was a wise ruling, and a fair solution. The two teams proceeded to line up around the hoop, each player holding a basketball.
“Alright, gentleman,” shouted Bill Clinton, “This one is for all the chips. On your mark…get set…GUM! No, no, just kidding, I didn’t say 'go', I said 'gum.' I’m glad you all caught that one. Okay, forreals, though…this time, wait for the whistle. Okay…on your mark…get set…go and chuck those balls, oh yeah!” and with that he blew his whistle and with that both teams lobbed their basketballs towards their target. Most of them bumped into each other in mid-air, but a few headed straight for the stuck ball, all hitting their target at about the same time and dislodging it. The previously-stuck ball broke loose of its icy prison and, as the whole world watched in awe, began to roll around the inside of the rim. It went around, like, 10 times, constantly dipping in, and out, in and out, slowing down as it went but not giving any solid indication as to which way it would fall. For a moment the ball seemed totally still, hanging in one spot in between life and death…light and darkness…Frankentein & The Mummy. Everybody in the arena held their breath, daring not to exhale. Long story short, the ball went in the hoop.
“TRAILBLAZERS WIN! TRAILBLAZERS WIN! OH, THE HUMANITY!” shouted the announcer, presumably into a microphone, because his sultry voice reverberated through the Rose Garden. It was amazing that you could hear anything at all over the cheers, because the fans there were at about a 12 on the Freak-Out-O-Meter, which usually only goes up to 10. People were jumping. People were screaming. People were losing control of their bowels. Everybody was like, “Oh my fucking god! That is fucking incredible! Ohhhhh, man!” I doubt if anybody except for #23 noticed when the Looney Tunes disappeared, a result of the fact that nobody believed they were real anymore. Yes, the entire concept of the Loony Toons’ existence in the material world was actually a result of the collective consciousness of the crowd making it so through the phenomenon of quantum physics.
As Michael Jordan sulked back into the locker room alone and forgotten, the Trailblazers all stripped off their clothes and began having sex with each other in the middle of the court. I will spare you the details of their homosexual passion, but suffice it to say it was a weird sight to behold. But hey, it was alright, nobody was judgmental, they were too mind-blown. After the Trailblazers had stopped having sex and the crowd's excitement had tapered off to a reasonable level, everybody there went home and got drunk.