Chapter 20

“Okay dude, pop the tape into your Walkman,” requested Spiderman of Wolverine, speaking of the very expensive, very haunted copy of TLC’s CrazySexyCool which they had acquired. Wolverine slid the cassette tape out of its cardboard holder, popped open his Walkman, and stuck the landmark album inside.
“Here goes!” laughed Wolverine as he hit play. He sat there for a few seconds, listening as the music flooded into his ears. “Yeah, I like it! It’s got some smooth R&B but at the same time it’s got plenty of those good hip-hop sensibilities. Two thumbs up.”
“Well okay,” said Spiderman, “We all know it’s a great album. Do you notice anything strange?”
“Hmm…” thought Wolverine, “No, everything seems pretty nor-…hey, wait a second…”
“What? What?” asked Spiderman excitedly.
“I don’t know…there’s just this weird sound…it keeps getting louder.”
“Can you describe this sound?”
“It’s kind of like…a dog barking,” said Wolverine dreamily. “No...no, it’s more like somebody throwing up, only it’s all jumbled.”
“That has to be the ghost of Left Eye!” exclaimed Spiderman. “Quick, play the tape backwards!” Wolverine complied with Spiderman’s command, switching on the reverse-play function built into his high-end Walkman. As the smooth beats of TLC began to thump in reverse, a distorted, ghostly voice began to moan into Wolverine’s earbuds.
“Auuuhhhgggbbbuhhhelllloooooo…ch-ch-chuuurrrg…caaaan a-anyyyoneeerrrrggg heeeearrrrllloooohhh meeeee?”
“Yes, Ms. Lopes, I can hear you! Speak to me, Left Eye!” shouted Wolverine.
“Uh, who are you talking to?” asked Spiderman, giving his friend a strange look.
“To Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes! She’s right here in my Walkman…and she loves me!” Spiderman did the whole “cuckoo” routine but then he was like,
“No I’m just kidding, I believe you…that’s amazing!”
“Shhh!” shushed Wolverine, trying to hear the ethereal moans flowing out of the cassette.
“Woooooooooaaahhhhh s-spooooooky!” moaned Left Eye, “Glurrrr whhhhhyyyyy haaaaavvvvve huuurrrrg y-youuuu disturrrrbed myyyy ca-ca-casseeeeeette taaaape ssssmmmaaaallville?!?”
“Oh shit, dude!” gulped Wolverine, “She wants to know why we disturbed her cassette tape!”
“Oh shit…” panted Spiderman, “That’s a good question!”
“Yeah I know!”
“Okay…tell her…tell he we need her help to apprehend Mr. Crazy, the most dangerous man alive!”
“Okay, okay. Ms. Lopes, are you there?”
“Goooooooo yessss Iiiiii aaaaammmm yuummmm!”
“Okay, Ms. Lopes we have summoned you here today to help us apprehend the infamous Mr. Crazy.”
“Oooooh mmmmmmbop d-daaaat nig-niggarrrrrrrmmmmuuuhhhh cuuuuuh-rrrrayzaaaaayyyy nerrrrrrffff!”
“Yes, Left Eye, he truly is insane,” chuckled Wolverine. “Ms. Lopes, can you tell us where to find him?”
“Peeeeenissss yesssss uuurrrrv heeee iiiiis hiiiidiiiiinnngggggooommmmm iiiiin annnn abaaaandooooned peeeenis c-caaaat foooood faaaaactooory iiiiiiin vaaaancooouverrrrrrolffff wa-wa-waaaaashingggggtoooooooonoooooboooozzzzze!”
“Okay, got it! An abandoned cat food factory in Vancouver, Washington…can’t be too many of those.”
“Mmmmmnnnnooooooo p-proooobablyyyyy noooooooot!”
“Wow, thanks for the tip, Ms. Lopes! What can I do to repay you?”
“Y-y-yooooooouuuu caaaaaannnnnoooooobbbb…LETTTT MEEEE EAAAT YOOOOOUUUUR FA-FAAAACCCCE ALFFFFF!” As Left Eye’s voice grew extremely loud, Wolverine pulled his earbuds out and threw his Walkman on the ground in horror. The Sony cassette player popped open and the haunted tape popped out, sizzling and smoking in the desert sand.
“Quick, stomp on it!” shouted Wolverine. He and Spiderman proceeded to furiously smash the tape into little bits with their feet. “Jesus Christ, that was scary! Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes told me she wants to eat my face!”
“I know,” replied Spiderman, “I heard it…that was really loud!” but before the two men had a chance to discuss the volume of Left Eye’s voice any further, a brilliant light shot forth from the smashed cassette tape. Out of this light emerged a shimmering blue spirit that our heroes instantly recognized as Lisa Lopes.
“Hello, Spiderman! Hello, Wolverine! Thank you for releasing me from that awful tape!”
“Hey, no problem,” said Spiderman. “How’d you end up there in the first place?”
“I was trapped inside many, many years ago by a powerful genie,” purred Left Eye, “But thanks to you, I’m now free to transcend into a heaven and meet up with all of my dead relatives! You guys rock.”
“Hey, it was our pleasure Ms. Lopes,” winked Wolverine, “But what was that whole thing about eating my face?”
“Jesus do you have to hold onto to every little thing forever?” snapped Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes. “Well anyway, I have to go now…I hope you understand. Thank you again for rescuing my soul from that cassette…and remember…don’t go chasing waterfaaaaaalls!” Lisa’s voice trailed off as she floated into the sky and into heaven. Spiderman and Wolverine just stood there for a moment, soaking in the incredible event which they had just witnessed. After a bit of reflection, Spiderman broke the silence with this sassy comment:
“Well, that was the best 175 dinars I ever spent!”
“Ha!” laughed Wolverine. “Yeah, that was pretty dang cool…that gal is alright, ya know?”
“Mmmhmm,” agreed Spiderman, “I just hope that when she gets to heaven she doesn’t try to set a bunch of shoes on fire in God’s tub.”