Chapter 23

“Okay, here we are at Toys ‘R’ Us!” laughed Spiderman.
“Nice!” exclaimed Wolverine. “But man, my meth is totally wearing off! I wish we’d brought some extra drugs!”
“Oh yeah? Well you’re in luck, dude…I just happen to have like 50 ecstasy tablets right here in my purse…”
“Give me all of them!” snarled Wolverine. Spiderman obliged his request and slid over like a billion doses of ecstasy and a glass of water. Wolveirne gulped down all the pills and he was like, “Oh man, am I ever gonna get high!”
“Wolverine be careful or you’ll destroy your serotonin!”
“Yeah, fuck you man, I know dude…I watch 20/20.”
“Okay, okay! Jesus, calm down!”
“Oh I’ll be calmed down in a minute!” Both of them had a good laugh at that one. They proceeded to walk through the famous sliding doors of Toys ‘R’ Us and past a few aisles of toys and then they had finally arrived in the main area of the store where you have a choice of which toys you want to walk past.
“Mmm, you know, Toys ‘R’ Us smells really fucking good,” commented Spiderman.
“Shits yeah, dude,” smiled Wolverine. “Must be all of the plastic.”
“Probably.” The superheroes wandered around for a couple of minutes, dazzled by all of the amazing new toys that are around nowadays.
“Oh shit dude,” said Wolverine, “Check this out, I heard about this! Okay, see this? This is like a little computer for kids and it teaches them geography!”
“Geography?”
“On a fucking computer. For kids, dude.”
“Jesus Christ,” groaned Spiderman, “Doesn’t anybody own a fucking atlas nowadays?”
“Dude I know, it’s fucked up.”
“It’s like, there’s starving children in India with AIDS, and all we can do is build little computers for spoiled American kids to teach them fucking geography. What has the world come to?”
“Well…” trailed off Wolverine. “…it can also teach them how to spell the names of animals.”
“Okay, I must admit, that does sound pretty fucking cool,” replied Spiderman, crying. “Well okay, okay, let’s get back to the ol’ shopperoonidooni-ing.”
“Dude, do you have any idea where they keep their Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shops?” asked Wolverine.
“Uhhhh…” moaned Spiderman, “On the Play-Doh isle?”
“Ooh, right!” shouted Wolverie, “But where’s the Play-Doh isle?”
“Um…on the moon? Hey no, just kidding, let’s go ask one of the customer service representatives.”
“Okay,” replied Wolverine. With that, the two superheroes walked over to the customer service representative counter, conveniently located near the check-out. Except in the middle of their walk to the customer service counter, Wolverine was like,
“Hold up. I need to find a birthday gift for my nephew. Ice is nice but I need something more.”
“What?” asked Spiderman wackily. “What?”
“Jesus dude, I’m starting to freak out. I think that ecstasy is starting to take hold.”
“Well, yeah, it’ll do that.”
“Dude, I can’t handle this…can you ask the customer service representative what my nephew would want for his birthday?”
“Dude,” rapped Spiderman, “Do it yourself!”
“Dude, I can’t! I’m afraid he’ll know I’m high…and if he did I would just die right there on the spot!”
“If you die on me, I’ll kill you!” quipped Spiderman.
“Ha!” laughed Wolverine. “That’s funny. But seriously, will you please just ask him for me?”
“Jesus okay, chill out, dude!” snapped Spiderman, “I’ll fucking ask him you pussy.” As the heroic heroes continued their trek to the customer service counter, Wolverine kept getting higher and higher. He was really freaking out.
“Excuse me!” excused Spiderman, speaking to a customer service representative who had his back turned and obscured by a blue polo shirt which covered his whole torso. “Sir, excuse me!”
“Hey, what’s up, sir?” rapped the youthful Toys ‘R’ Us employee, turning around to reveal a dazzling smile.
“Yeah, we were wondering if you carried the Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Station.”
“Oh but of course,” smiled the customer service representative, “It’s on the Play-Doh isle.”
“Jesus,” wheezed Spiderman, slapping his head in frustration. “Okay, well which isle is the Play-Doh isle?”
“That’d be isle 69, sir.” replied the customer service representative.
“Okay! Thank you…God,” huffed Spiderman. “Hey, and um, what do kids nowadays like?”
“One word: Yu-Gi-Oh!”
“Okay, thanks.” Spiderman and Wolverine began the long trek towards isle 69, the sexiest isle in the whole store. Unfortunately, right between our heroes and isle 69 was isle 34 ½…the Spiderman isle.
“Ho, hey, wait up!” said Spiderman, almost passing by his own isle. “Let’s back this truck the fuck up.” As he and Wolverine hopped a few steps backward, their eyes were bombarded with billions of red and blue protons.
“Oh my God!” gasped Wolverine, “I’ve never seen so many Spiderman toys in my whole life! I’m really trippin’ out, man!”
“Guhhhh,” drooled Spiderman, momentarily unable to speak. Imagine going to Toys ‘R’ Us and walking towards the Play-Doh isle but when you were halfway there, you see a whole half isle with lots of toys shaped like you. Now you know how Spiderman felt.
“Spiderman…” said Wolverine, “Are you okay?”
“…Yeah,” replied Spiderman. “Yeah…I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah…yeah. I’ve just…never seen so much Spiderman shit in my whole life.”
“Hey!” yelped Wolverine. “It’s not shit…it’s stuff.”
“Okay, yeah,” smoked Spiderman. “But anyway…I must have it all.” Spiderman and Wolverine grabbed a shopping cart from some pregnant mother and then they started running around the Spiderman isle pushing all sorts of Spiderman toys into it. It was a lot like the scene in Half-Baked where Dave Chapelle and Cuban B are in the weed room freaking out. The song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” started blasting through the store speakers and the both started going totally nuts. Spiderman was like,
“Silly string web blasters! Spiderman Halloween costumes! Spiderman Nerf bow and arrows! The new Spiderman DigiDraw!” Wolverine was just like,
“Maui Wowie!” After they guys had piled like 50 Spiderman toys into their cart, they continued on their way to the Play-Doh isle. The whole way there, Wovlerine was walking kind of funny. Spiderman got concerned.
“Wolverine, are you alright, man?” he asked.
“Yeahhhh…I’m better than alright…I’m great!” replied Wolverine enthusiastically. “I feel like there’s a million bees inside my skin except they’re not stinging it, they’re just going ‘Buzz! Buzz!’ and it’s awesome! I love you, bees!”
“Dude, I’d bet even money that that X is hitting you pretty hard. Now, I’m no doctor…but I think you’re rolling.”
“Yeah, man! I’m rolling on a cloud! And the cloud is like a down jacket of love and peace! And my whole body is like one giant nerve ending!”
“Dude, you are definitely feelin’ it, man.” When the guys finally got to the Play-Doh isle, the realized they had their work cut out for them. There were twice as many different kinds of Play-Doh toys as Spiderman toys. There were Play-Doh robots, and Play-Doh boomboxes, and even a kit to make your own Play-Doh.
“C’mon, Wolverine, let’s try and find that Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop!” said Spiderman. When he didn’t here any reply he was like, “Wolverine?” He turned around to find what appeared to be Wolverine making out with someone. “Wolverine!” he exclaimed.
“Mmmmm, mmmmm!” said Wolverine.
“Wolverine, stop making out with someone! We’ve got shit to do!” Wolverine turned around to reveal that he had just been trying to rub his own back.
“Hey, Spiderman, have you ever rubbed your own back? It feels soooooooooooooooooo good.”
“Wolverine!” shouted Spiderman, slapping his friend. “Snap out of it!”
“Dude…that felt sooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Slap me again!”
“I’m not going to slap you again!” snapped Spiderman. “Now get with it, we need to find that fucking Fuzzy Pumper…oh, there it is.” Spiderman grabbed the Plah-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop and balanced it precariously on top of the pile of Spiderman toys in his cart. During these moments Wolverine was rubbing his hands all over a nearby Lite-Brite.
“It’s like each peg is a finger and the fingers are touching my hands!”
“Okay, Wolverine, you are so high. But that’s okay…we just need to grab some Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, check out, and then we’re home-free.”
“Fucking son of a bitch,” growled Spiderman 15 minutes later. He watched as a very bummed-out Wolverine rolled away in the back of a squad car. “If only he hadn’t touched the cashier’s face…goddamnit.” Spiderman then realized that without Wolverine to hold on to the bags as he swung home, he was gonna have to take the bus. “Fuck, I hate the bus.”
Spiderman walked over to the nearest bus stop, dragging an improvised web net filled with toys behind him. After an awkward 15-minute wait, a big white bus pulled up. On the side of the bus was an advertisement for KOIN news.
“Here I go…” Spiderman heaved a heavy, sigh, and stepped onto the bus. “I forgot my pass at home…help a brother out?”
“Okay, Spiderman, you can ride for free, but just this once,” winked the bus driver. Spiderman lugged his web of toys towards the back of the bus, cringing at the overwhelming smell of poor people that wafted up into his nostrils. As he neared the back, he was startled by a bag lady-ish old black woman gripping onto his arm.
“You’re in great danger, honey!” she wailed, her eyes wide and full of intensity. “Stay away from the Blue Man Group! Stay away!” With that, she released his arm and slumped back into her seat as if nothing had happened.
“Weird,” mumbled Spiderman to himself as he continued towards the rear of the bus. As he plopped down into his seat, the message from the old woman had faded into the back of his mind. Spiderman’s thoughts turned toward the Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop he had just purchased. He began to dig through the toys. “Where is it? Oh God, don’t tell me it’s not in here…son of a – oh, here it is.” Relieved to have found the object which had spurred his quest to Toys ‘R’ Us, Spiderman decided to pull it out and try out the wacky Play-Doh pumping action. He popped open the box and removed the colorful plastic pieces, assembling them together to form a miniature abstraction of a barber shop. After admiring his handiwork for a minute, Spiderman opened up the little tiny can of brown Play-Doh that came with the play set. He loaded a lump into one of the porous, bullet-shaped people, popped it on a peg, and slowly pushed down. Spiderman watched with absolute elation as millions of little brown wormy things popped out of its head.
“Like, fucking perfect.”