Chapter 18

“Yeah, well here we are at Petra,” said Spiderman to his friend Wolverine after a grueling year-long, world-hopping journey that had led them to the resting place of the Holy Grail.
“Wow, this sure is an imposing temple placed right here in the middle of this canyon…can such a spooky place truly house the Holy Grail, so to speak?”
”Wolverine…” trailed off Spiderman, “Never doubt the incredibleness of objects, words, images, or concepts associated with Jesus and, by extension, Christianity …when you do, you are collecting hell-points, and when you get enough hell-points you go to jail. But not just any jail...this kind of jail is filled with horrors beyond the imagining of man. In this place, the lowliest souls are tormented indefinitely by evil, truly malicious demons whose only satisfaction comes from seeing that you spend every moment saturated to the core of your being in an experience that can only be described as pure, unmitigated agony. This place is called prison.”
"I've heard that you get fucked in the ass if you go to prison," added Wolverine.
"Actually, I had a friend who went to prison for a while and he said it was not actually like that where he went," countered Spiderman.
“Oh. Well, anyway," replied Wolverine. "What lies within this mysterious temple within a canyon that we must now turn our attentions to once again? Is it mystery? Is it intrigue? Nobody knows,” mused Wolverine.
“There’s only one way to find out,” asserted Spiderman. “Let’s scoot on inside.”
“Okay,” replied Wolverine. “Sounds like a smart idea.” Wolverine and Spiderman then began to walk into Petra, fearing nothing. But in reality what they should have been fearing was Nazis because the moment they walked into Petra, a bunch Nazis were like,
”Fuck you!” and then they shot Spiderman. “Haha!” laughed the Nazis heartily as Spiderman collapsed to the ground.
“No!” screamed Wolverine, “No, no, no, no no!”
“Oh, but I'm afraid yes!” shot back the head Nazi, a real nasty son of a bitch, “You fucked up, man! Now the only way to save your pal Spiderman is to go get the Holy Grail and pour some healing water on his wound and make it fizz away!”
“Dude, fuck you, racist!” wailed a flustered Wolverine..
“May I…may I…” gasped the shot Spiderman. “…may I please go…vertigo?”
“Spiderman…yes…” said Wolverine, “Yes you may…but before you please go vertigo…let me go snag that Holy Grail, yeh?”
“Yeah, dude. Do it,” gasped Spiderman, the bullet wound in his body sapping away his spider-strength.
“Okay, here I go,” smiled Wolverine knowingly. “I’m gonna go get that Holy Grail and then we’ll see where it’s at.”
“Yesh, you vill, mishta Volverine!” growled the head Nazi in a German accent.
“Hey, Nazis: fuck you, and I love jews,” retorted Wolverine.
“Wolverine…!!!” growled the Nazis, “Just enter the chamber of death and be done with it.”
“Okay, okay, Jesus Christ!” sassed Wolverine, affirming to Jesus that he had received and understood the sign sent to him in the form of the Nazis. With a deep breath and a howl like a real wolverine, Wolverine walked into the chamber of death and he was confused because the last thing he saw coming out of the chamber of death was an Arab’s head rolling on the ground. He was like,
“The breath of God…only the penitent man will pass…” and it was really spooky cause at the same moment the shot Spiderman was like,
“The breath of God, only the penitent man will pass…the penitent man will pass…blbghllgororogrlll.” As Spiderman grossly hacked up big wads of blood into his mask, Wolverine was still like,
“Only the penitent man will pass…only the penitent man will pass…the penitent man is humble,” and then a bunch of cobwebs stirred up and Wolverine was said, “The penitent man is humble…he kneels before God……KNEEL!” and then Wolverine ducked and a bunch of slice-blades went spinning by and he was gasped, “Whoa, that was close. Oh no here comes the step test.”
“He needs to not step on the J,” gasped Spiderman, who was short of breath because he had been shot.
“I need to spell out ‘Jehovah’ which of course starts with a J,” asserted Wolverine.
“Not the J! Anything but the J!” coughed Spiderman from his prostrate position.
“Okay, here goes…J…” said Wolverine as the block under him collapsed and he fell through the floor, though luckily he was able to catch onto the floor that he had fallen through on a part that doesn't crumble away when you touch it. “Whoa fuck, better pull myself up, ” which he did, summarily.
“In the Latin alphabet, ‘Jehovah’ starts with an ‘I,’” chuckled Spiderman, dying.
“Okay, anyways,” laughed Wolverine, “I…E…H…to the…izz-O…V…A…. okay I’m on the other side of that, sweet,” narrating the letters he had stepped on the and his resulting location after having completed the letter test.
Wolverine actually continued on. Soon enough, he stood in a small opening, just wide enough for his shoulders to squeeze through, until he turned sideways, at which point his whole frame fit through easily.. He found himself staring at a crevasse of perhaps 100 feet in width and at least a 30 foot drop below.
“Okay here I go, I’m gonna walk across this apparently crazy gap!”
“You must have...faith…Wolverine…ughhh,” moaned Spiderman, his Nazi bullet wound just eating away at him. With those words, Wolverine insanely stepped forward onto the apparently non-existent bridge which actually did exist, crazily enough.
“Oh, snap!” shouted Wolverine, who summarily crossed the wacky optical illusion bridge and threw some sand across it to help the Nazis across.
“Whoooo are youuuuu?” moaned a spooky ghost knight from England who I was in the last crusade.
“Iiiii, am Wolverrrriiiiine, from the X-Meeeeeen!” moaned Wolverine right back at the bizarre spectre.
“What’s all this shit?” asked a guy who looked kind of like Alan Alda.
“Choose a cup…now!” shouted the Knight of the Grail, motioning towards a lot of cups.
“Okay,” said a sexy female Nazi sympathizer who had followed behind Wolverine by a little bit on his way through the traps. “I choose this pretty, fancy cup.”
“It’s more beautiful than I’d ever imagined! This certainly is the cup of the King of Kings,” said the Alan Alda-ish guy, who took the cup and drank some holy water from it. And then he turned into a skeleton.
“He chose…poorly,” said the Grail Knight.
“Well guess what,” said Wolverine, “I am going to go the exact opposite route and choose the least fancy cup in the bunch and then drink from that…how about this dingy cup right here…this really looks like a pretty bad cup.”
“Well I won’t even fuck around with your head,” said the Grail Knight, “Yeah, that’s the Holy Grail, you have chosen…wisely. Well played. Very well played.”
“Well thanks, dude…what now?” asked Wolverine.
“Go and save your pal Spiderman! And whatever you do, don’t let the crazy Nazi bitch take the Holy Grail past the seal.”
“Okay I promise I won’t,” responded Wolverine.
“Hey, wait! I mean, what's up? How are you?” asked the Grail Knight. Wolverine pretended he didn’t hear these awkwardly-posed questions and continued walking away, scooting across the optical illusion bridge and back to the main area where the Nazis were.
“Spiderman!” shouted Wolverine, “We cool, dude! I’ve got that good Jesus Christ shit, and I’m ready to fizzle away your wounds!” Wolverine proceeded to pour the water in the Holy Grail onto Spiderman’s gunshot wound and it fizzled away and everybody there, even the Nazis, was like, “It’s a miracle!” And then Spiderman, was like,
“Let’s get out of here!” and so they started to run out, but the Nazi gal grabbed the Grail and she was like, “Wolverine, we’ve got it, c’mon!” to which Wolverine replied,
“Elsa! Elsa, don’t move!” but Elsa was like,
“It’s ours, Wolverine…yours and mine!” to which Wolverine replied,
“Elsa, don’t cross the seal! The knight warned us not to take the grail from here!”
“Fuck you! Grr!” growled Elsa, who then stepped right on the seal and fell into a crack in the floor.
“Dude, oh my god. I really want to leave, like, right now.” said Spiderman.
“Yeah, let’s bust,” agreed Wolverine. The two superheroes left the lair of the Holy Grail and everybody else died, including the Holy Grail.