Chapter 11

When Spiderman, Wolverine, and Jerry Seinfeld reached the duck pond, they immediately realized that something was amiss.
“Hey, where are all the ducks?” asked Spiderman.
“I don’t know!” replied Jerry. “This sucks!”
“Oh man, well what are we gonna do now?” whined Wolverine.
“Hmmm… Maybe we should go make a duck…out of clay!” suggested Jerry.
“Jerry, that’s not funny,” snapped Spiderman. “I think we should try and figure out just what’s happening here…c’mon guys, let’s look around for clues!”
The three men split up, each keeping their eyes peeled for anything that might help explain why there wasn’t a duck in sight. After several minutes of intense searching, they regrouped and discussed their findings.
“Did anyone find any clues?” asked Spiderman.
“If by 'clues' you mean a bunch of duck shit, then yes,” quipped Jerry Seinfeld.
“Oh, Jerry. Well, I guess we should just head back before we waste any more...time...” Spiderman's speech pattern trailed off as he noticed a shadowy figure standing nearby with his back turned. This would have been unremarkable if the man hadn’t been wearing an officially-licensed NBA jacket with the NBA logo all over it, especially once, really big, on the back. “No, this isn’t possible…”
Spiderman's rising incredulity coincided with the mystery man beginning to quietly giggle to himself. His giggles turned into chuckles, and then his chuckles into sobs, with his sobs turned back into giggles. The anonymous man's giggles continued steadily for about 10-15 more seconds, and then he spoke:
“So, Spiegeleman, how do you like...the duck pond?” he asked, his back still turned.
“I recognize that voice…” muttered Spiderman, “…and I definitely recognize that officially-licensed NBA jacket.”
“Who is this chump?” question Jerry.
“It’s…Mr. Crazy! I thought we put him away for good when we foiled his plans to rob that McDonalds this morning,” answered Wolverine.
“I guess you thought wrong! Wa-ha!” laughed Mr. Crazy, turning around to reveal a rotting smile full of gross teeth that he obviously didn't brush very well. “I bet you didn’t expect to see me here, did you, Spider-jerk and Vulvarine…and Jerry Seinfeld?!”
“Don’t tell me that…you’re responsible for the missing ducks!” gasped Spiderman.
“Wa-ha! Guilty as charged!” bellowed Mr. Crazy in an inane manner. He then pinched one of his nostrils shut and blew a wad of snot onto the ground from out of the other.
“You fucking bastard!” shouted Wolverine, “What’d you do with those ducks?”
“Ah, wouldn’t you like to know? Well…that's exactly why I’ll tell you! I…” paused Mr. Crazy for dramatic effect, “…ate them all!”
“You sick freak!” moaned Jerry Seinfeld, “Eating an animal? That’s just wrong. Somebody shoot this guy into space with the rest of the dead astronauts.”
“Jerry, I think you should really just shut the fuck up, bub,” snapped Wolverine. Jerry’s head drooped down, and his eyes began to well up with tears. “No…please, please don’t cry I didn’t mean it, bub…honestly. It’s just, ooh, the though of all those ducks dying just makes me so…maaaad!” As he stretched out the last word of his sentence, Wolverine whipped out his claws and began to furiously charge toward Mr. Crazy, letting out a guttural yell as he did so. He stomped forward at the unkempt villain like an actual wolverine, but as the X-Man drew closer, Mr. Crazy changed the face of the game; he opened his mouth really wide and then he let out the really horrible high-pitched sound that made electric blue sound waves in the air! Wolverine immediately fell to the ground.
“Maaaaake it stoooooop!” he screamed, holding his hands over his ears and rolling around in agony. Mr. Crazy, being an accommodating villain, stopped, a much-needed break that Wolverine used to get up and run back to stand near his friends again.
“Wa-ha!” cackled Mr. Crazy, “As you can see, my powers have increased tenfold since we last met. PENIS!”
“Oh God, don’t remind me,” groaned Jerry Seinfeld.
“Whatever, this chump doesn’t scare me,” asserted Spiderman. “Buddy, I think it’s time for you to go on a low-carb diet…and your meal plan designates a big, healthy serving of webbing!” he exclaimed as he put his arms forward. He proceeded to let loose with his spider juice, shooting two streams of the potent fluid toward Mr. Crazy’s face. Usually there’s no stopping Spiderman’s webs, but Mr. Crazy was ready for the attack. He put his right hand up out in front of him; a look of concentration came onto his face. The webs, which had been flying straight towards Mr. Crazy, slowed down and stopped mere inches away from their target. They then went limp and fell to the ground, just like at the end of The Matrix.
“No…it’s not…possible,” whispered Spiderman.
“Wa-ha! I guess nobody told you that I can do things like that now...so watch out!”
“Just what, is the deal, with Mr. Crazy?” asked Jerry Seinfeld. “I mean, one minute he’s screaming like a banshee, the next minute he’s The Matrix? Just what, is the deal, with that? I mean, really, c'mon...somebody needs to jack this fool up.”
“Nobody’s gonna be jacking anything when I’m through with you!” yelled Mr. Crazy. Things became even more unbelievable as the malodorous evildoer began to slowly levitate off of the ground. All around him, the air started swirling, blowing paper napkins all over the place and freeing dandelion seeds from their heads left and right. Also, there was, like, lightning coming from the ground and coursing through his body and all the nearby streetlamps exploded and shit and showered sparks all over the place. It was probably a good thing that there weren’t ducks there because they would have been very upset by all the commotion. “I’ve got the power!” growled Mr. Crazy.
“What are we gonna do about this guy?” shouted Spiderman to his pals, covering his face with his arm to block the wind.
“I’ve got a plan,” yelled Jerry Seinfeld, who was also doing the arm-over-the-face thing. “I’ll distract him with my hilarious comedy, and while he’s busy cracking up, you two can run over and bust open his skull with a pipe.” Spiderman and Wolverine just stared at Jerry, neither able to formulate an appropriate response. Unfortunately, Jerry’s strategy break allowed Mr. Crazy the opportunity he needed to unleash the full force of his power.
“Enough!” he shouted, “Prepare to taste my wrath!” Mr. Crazy, who was hovering, like, 15 feet off the ground, stuck his arms out in front of him, and then his arms started shaking, and then he was like “Yeeeearrrrggggghhhh!” and then his officially-licensed NBA jacket began to glow with a mysterious luminescence.
“Oh, shit!” exclaimed Spiderman. “This doesn’t look good…” And indeed, he was right; it didn't. The reason for Mr. Crazy’s shaking arms and glowing jacket became apparent when he began to shoot explosive NBA logos out of his hands. The NBA logos slammed into ground around Spiderman, Wolverine, and Jerry, exploding on impact and sending bits of concrete and duck poop flying everywhere.
“RUUUN!” screamed Spiderman, and with that, all three men began to haul ass away from the mysteriously powerful Mr. Crazy. Mr. Crazy, not missing a beat, followed after the men, hovering and shooting even more NBA logos at the fleeing dudes.
“Wa-ha!” he shouted as he rained down the outlines of basketball legend Jerry West. “Why are you running? Do you not like sports or something? Wa-ha!”
As the fled for their lives, Jerry turned towards his friends and said “Man, he really is cra-“ but his words were cut short as a well-placed NBA logo from Mr. Crazy’s hands hit Jerry in the lower back and blew him in half.
Spiderman and Wolverine stopped running, and turned back to go help their friend. Jerry Seinfeld lay on the ground, his eyes wide with pain, his mouth spewing out blood. As Spiderman and Wolverine bent over the dismembered comedian and television star, Jerry struggled to speak:
“I-I…I think this…guy means…b-b-business.”
“Wa-ha!” laughed Mr. Crazy, halting his blue, red, and white assault. “Now you will know my pain! You took from me my only friend…my gun…and now your pal Jerry Seinfeld will die in your arms!” With that, he turned around and began to fly away. “We’ll will meet again!” he roared, his voice echoing through the air as he zoomed off into the distance as disappeared behind a large cloud.
“That bastard!” snarled Wolverine.
“Hold on, Jerry...you’re gonna be alright. Just hang in there, man.”
“Is…is it b-bad?” gurgled the dying Jerry Seinfeld, who was about to die.
“Yeah…yeah. Jerry, I ain’t gonna lie to ya…it’s bad. Real bad.”
“Oh, oh God…it h-hurts so bad,” sobbed Jerry. “Just w-what is the d-d-deal with t-the lower half of my b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-body…” he paused to cough up a bunch of blood all over himself. “…I…I mean, one m-m-m-minute it’s attached, the n-n-next minute it’s laying t-twenty f-feet away in some d-d-d-d-d-duck shit…wow, w-what a great audience.”
“Shhh, shhh. Don’t talk, Jerry,” cooed Spiderman, whose eyes began to tear up under his mask, a very painful experience in its own right. “You’re gonna be alright, man. We’re gonna get you to the hospital and they’re gonna put you back together and then we’re gonna eat a bunch of ice cream and buy a puppy and we’ll take the puppy with us on a road trip to Florida and we’ll lay on the beach drinking Corona and we’ll watch the sunset and look back on this and laugh! We’ll laugh and laugh and laugh about the time you got blown in half and then we’ll go have sex with a bunch of Floridian women and everything will be alright. Can you laugh for me, Jerry?”
“Ha…ha…heeeeoowww,” moaned Jerry as his forced laugh turned into a squeal of pain. “Sp-Sp-Spiderman…I don’t wanna d-die…”
“Jerry! Listen to me! You’re not gonna die! Jerry, if you die on me, I’m gonna kill you!” shrieked Spiderman jokingly.
“It…it’s o-okay…I...I u-understand n-n-now…” stammered Jerry, on the verge of expiring, “S-s-so much for m-my..…happy ending.” With that, his eyes closed and everybody knew he was dead.
Spiderman and Wolverine turned their heads towards the heavens and screamed, “NOOOOOOOOO!” in unison. As their eyes fell back to earth and met for a moment, both superheroes said the only thing that seemed fitting: “Jinx! Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetengimmeablowjob!”